I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Floor bacon is actually really good
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
