one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
