at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
