If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
