Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
