2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize