and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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