I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
This is the high leading the old right now
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
me + whiskey = a bad person
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
