i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
