i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
