On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Randomize
