So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
