I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
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