Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
