I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
In America we eat man semen.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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