She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
