i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
