I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
