Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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