Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
