i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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