I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Randomize
