in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
