i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
