I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
