We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
