note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
