i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
