my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
