there's paper in my vomit.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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