Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Randomize
