I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
