tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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