im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
