she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
You made out with two different species that night
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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