ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
