I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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