I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
