I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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