is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
