I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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