I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
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