ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
