When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
