i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
