It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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