Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
