so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
