Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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