I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
