Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
