this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
