Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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