I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize