I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
