If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
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just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
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She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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