dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
