He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
