but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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