She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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